


Reasons

by FangsofLightening



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, World of Ruin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15973883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangsofLightening/pseuds/FangsofLightening
Summary: Loqi has a difficult time living after the endless night fell.





	Reasons

\- 3 months in -

Loqi had lost everything when the everlasting night fell. 

His family- all daemons now.

His friends- most were dead; either from the war or the daemons. 

His job- pointless with Niflheim no longer a country, let alone an empire. 

His home- in ruins.

His entire reason for being had been ripped away, and even now three months later he still wasn't absolutely sure what to do with himself. 

Logically, he knew that there were plenty of things he could do. Plenty of ways to help. More than enough opportunities for atonement. The people who mattered - the Lucians in charge - gave him a chance, and he hated to disappoint. 

Loqi sighed and set down the tool he'd been holding. 

Getting any magitek they could up and running again would help immensely against the daemons. Helping Cindy with those endeavors also gave him something to do when he wasn't helping the Glaives. Something to keep his mind occupied with. 

Anything was better than being left alone with just his own mind for company. 

Problem was, only the Niffs and certain Lucians knew how to get magitek running. Teaching people was difficult, and Loqi hated the idea of a Lucian piloting an Armor anyway. 

"Somethin' the matter, Sugar?" 

Looking up again, Loqi stared at Cindy in surprise. He was really lost in thought if he hadn't heard her approach. There was worry in her eyes. Sympathy in her expression. Causing her distress wasn't something he wanted to do. Causing anyone farther distress than the current state of Eos already did wasn't on his list of things to do. 

"I was just thinking." 

"You've been doin' a lot of that, and lookin' all sad while yer at it." 

"It isn't anything worth worrying over. Nothing we can do about it anyway." 

"So, yer all right?"

Loqi nodded and gave her the best smile he could muster.

"I'll be fine Cindy. I apologize for worrying you." 

\- 7 months in -

Nothing was working. Giving what assistance he could with machines only worked as long as he was focused. It was easy enough work that his mind could wander and he'd still get the job done. Which it did, all the time. 

Fighting daemons and helping the Glaives didn't help either. Yes, fighting to preserve what they could was important. But it was Lucis, waiting for the return of the Lucian king. He wasn't Loqi's king, and his return wouldn't do anything for Niflheim. 

After the fighting was over, surrounded by tired Glaives and daemon goo, Loqi couldn't help but wonder what he was even fighting for. He'd lost his purpose seven months ago. Simple surviving could only keep him going for so long and he was fast approaching the end of that. 

The aching emptiness he tried so hard to ignore was getting bigger with every day that passed. 

Sometimes, when he was out by himself, it occurred to him just how easy it would be to just.... stop fighting. To put down his weapon and let the daemons have him. That would be far better than this pointless existence of surviving with no real purpose. Than living with the aching and hopelessness.

Loqi knew that was bad, that he should see someone about those thoughts. But there were more important things to focus on. There wasn't any time to spare for something so personal. He could wait. Eos- Lucis- could not.

Reports said there was a Yojimbo nearby. One of those katana-wielding daemons. If it attacked him, that would be a fine way to-

"Damn it." 

Swallowing his pride as he got the radio working was difficult. Convincing himself it was the right thing to do, even more difficult. He wasn't putting himself over everything else; he was ensuring that he could accomplish the mission expected of him. 

"Has something gone wrong, Loqi?" 

Ah, Monica. Always having such high faith in him that her first assumption was that something had happened. 

"No. I haven't finished looking around yet. I- Is Aranea there?"

She had always been easy to talk to. If it was her, maybe he could get past this problem. 

"She just left. Are her particular-"

"No, never mind," Loqi quickly interrupted. "I'll finish up here, and return soon." 

Cutting off the transmission was the same as suddenly hanging up, but Loqi did it anyway. 

Monica was waiting for his return. That was good enough motivation. He wouldn't let her down by dying. That would be failure, and any farther failure was not an option. Failure was never an option. 

\- 10 months in -

Finally, he had found a spot to be alone. Loqi had barely sat down before he was crying. Needing to push his face into his arms to hide the tears and muffle the quiet sobs. No one wanted burdened with his tears. 

Everything was too much. The kindness he received from some Lucians, he didn't deserve. The hatred from Lucian civilians hurt, despite how much of it he expected. Having nothing really to fight for made everything pointless. As much as he tried, he just couldn't keep looking at the full picture. 

All in all, everything about his life was pointless.

"So this is where you're hiding."

Foolishly, he looked up at Aranea. 

The smirk on her face vanished the moment she saw his tears and she dropped into a kneel in front of him. 

"What's wrong, Sweetheart?" 

Loqi shook his head, knowing it wouldn't do any good. 

"It's noth-"

"Finish that sentence, and I promise I will slap you."

Loqi scowled at her even as she wiped a few of the tears off his face. 

"I know you hate talking about your personal problems, but you've got me, and others, worried about you. Now I find you crying." 

That tone left no room for argument. It was a demand for an explanation, and he knew she wouldn't leave until she got one.

"I shouldn't be here." That was the simplest truth. He couldn't tell Aranea all of it. She'd be so disappointed. He'd disappointed enough people in his pathetic life. 

Hugging his legs tighter, Loqi was stopped from hiding his face again by Aranea's hand gripping his chin.

"Don't shut me out. What do you mean by that?" 

"Exactly what I said."

"Would you rather be at Meldacio?" 

Loqi shook his head and there they were again. More tears welling up at what he wasn't saying and he hated himself for being so pathetically weak.

"Caem, then? There isn't anywhere else to be." 

That did it. The tears fell and Loqi felt his lip tremble at the force of trying to hold it in. 

"I'm just-" Loqi tried to take a breath, but that just made the crying start again. "I-"

"Hey, no- Come here." 

Loqi didn't fight it as Aranea pulled him closer, so he was mostly in her lap crying into her shoulder. Instead, he held onto her like a lifeline. 

"Get it out of your system." 

He could feel Aranea's hand on his back, the other in his hair. 

Somehow that made it worse. 

For what felt like hours, he cried on Aranea. Her touch was soothing as she pet his hair and rubbed his back. He could hear her voice, more gentle than he could ever remember hearing it before, but his own sobbing drowned out the words. 

When the sobs finally died down to little more than hiccuping, he sat back. 

"Feeling up to talking?" 

Loqi shook his head.

"There are more important-"

"Niflheim really did a number on your self-worth, you know that? Right now, helping you with your problems is more important to me than anything else." 

From experience, Loqi knew that Aranea cared about him. He'd even addressed it before; the fact that she seemed to have a soft spot for him. Leaving Gralea together had only made that clearer. But things had changed since then. There was a chance she was just saying that. 

"Are you sure?" 

"I'm still here, aren't I?" Aranea smiled and wiped his face on a cloth she pulled from her pocket. "Now, what's got you so upset?" 

"Everything. I miss Niflheim. My family... I don't have anything to hold onto here. Sometimes, I-" 

Not even just sometimes, anymore. Thoughts about dying had become more frequent. Alarmingly so, but he didn't know how to stop them. 

"I want to die." 

At that, she frowned. 

"Loqi. That isn't-"

"There isn't any point," Loqi shouted. He hadn't meant to shout. "I lost everything when Niflheim fell. No matter how hard I try, I just- I don't fit. With anyone. Niflheim has no more need for her military. Aside from a few, the Lucians still don't like me. I don't even- After the dawn comes, I- I'm better off dying." 

For a few moments, he was sure Aranea was going to slap him. She didn't but he still flinched when her hand cupped his cheek.

"What have you been doing these last ten months?" 

"Surviving." 

Aranea shook her head. 

"Helping other people survive, too. That's what's important, isn't it? Protecting the people who can't protect themselves? When we were leaving Gralea, you were the one insistent on saving as many civilians as possible. Then in Tenebrae? Remember how you helped those people after their world fell apart as well?" 

"That was-"

"That was you following the purpose you gave yourself. It has nothing to do with Niflheim, it's just how you are."

Protecting people always had been important to him. The reminder didn't improve his mood much. If anything, it just reminded him how many times he had failed. 

"I still think it's all pointless." 

"Gralea was made of metal and stone. I'm sure after this is over, it can easily be rebuilt if you still want to go back." Aranea ran a hand through his hair. "You just have to keep surviving until then, doing what you do best." 

"That would be?" 

"Giving it your all and ignoring what people think about you. Protecting the civilians who can't protect themselves." She paused then. "I heard the Immortal is pretty impressed with you. You don't want to disappoint him, do you?" 

Damn her, that worked. Loqi scowled at her before sighing. 

"I still feel like crap." 

"You just cried for a few hours after hiding that you were depressed and suicidal. Of course you feel like crap." 

Aranea grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet with her.

"A shower will improve your mood somewhat. After that, I'm not leaving until you're better." 

He really doubted she could stay with him for however long that would take, but her saying it is what mattered. 

"Thanks Aranea."


End file.
